Manatee Fair: Heroic drunk student starting spring break 'right f@!#ing now'
It’s perhaps the first resistance movement that will need a designated driver.
In a selfless and heroic demonstration that’s already being likened to Gandhi’s march to the sea and Martin Luther King’s march on Washington, UNLV junior Adam Harris is defying the 2008-09 university academic calendar and beginning his spring break “right [explicative] now.”
“Dude, it’s so gay,” Harris said between beer bongs. “Every school in the country has already had their spring break, or they’re on it right now, and I just want to join the party.”
The idea struck Harris as he was playing beer pong with his bro’s Saturday night.
“Yeah man, we were bitching about how we should be on spring break and then it just [expletive] hit me — I was gonna start spring break right [expletive] now.”
Harris’s demonstrative protest is in retaliation to the delayed nature of UNLV’s spring break this year as it occurs during the second week of April, less than a month before this semester concludes.
UNLV officials have yet to comment on the effect of Harris’ blurry-eyed resistance, and few seem to be aware of it. In drunken confusion, Harris has accidentally attended a few classes this past week, a few of which he wasn’t even enrolled in.
“Well, he did reek of tequila yesterday,” said Harris’ Economy 102 professor Mohinder Patel, “but that’s really not an anomaly of behavior for this class.”
Patel also noted that Harris’s actions have not hindered his academic performance, as he is a business major.
The structure of Harris’ calendar reform efforts include a vicious circle of binge drinking until blacking out, then waking and drinking to relieve his hangover, then sliding back into a binge of alcohol.
As of press time, Harris has not yet woken back up to reveal how this will actually bring about change of the spring break structure.
“The guy is, like, the Jesus of spring break,” roommate Matt Kowalski said. “I mean, when Jesus was at that wedding, and they ran out of booze, Jesus was like, ‘screw that, I wanna party,’ and so he did. That’s pretty much [Harris], man. [Expletive] Jesus.”
UNLV political analyst James Honecker admires Harris’ efforts.
“Well, we’ve seen this kind of fervor with the budget cut rallies,” Honecker said. “And now it seems that the newfound campus zeal has finally reached the slackers, stoners and burnouts.”
“Maybe they should start handing out jello shots at all campus functions.”
MANATEE FAIR is a weekly column that reports satirical news.