Manatee perspective: Raising tuition: The final frontier
I’m graduating in a few weeks anyway, so who cares?
Editors Note: This article originally appeared in our April Fool’s Day special section, Manatee Fair, and is not to be taken seriously.
Everybody needs to stop complaining and brace themselves because things need to get a lot worse so they could get better.
If UNLV is to become the university of the future, not only do we need to not cut the budget, but we need to increase tuition to $30,000 a year per student. That’s right, tuition is too cheap and in order for this university to go where it needs to go to achieve greatness, tuition must be increased.
For starters, UNLV’s goals are not lofty enough. How can we be the best if we don’t strive to achieve goals no one has even dared to set? UNLV just opened a campus in Singapore and is planning on opening one in Dubai.
But who cares about those? Anyone can open a campus in another country. We propose that UNLV begin construction on a lunar campus.
After observing the shockingly-accurate depiction of future Earth in the 2008 film “WALL-E,” it is apparent that Earth will be uninhabitable in the next hundred or so years.
Students, faculty and community members must get behind this project. Rallying against the proposed budget is such a narrow-minded way of thinking. Students are crying over a flimsy 35 percent cut to UNLV’s operating budget. We need to think bigger. We need to increase tuition. That is the only way.
Think of all the benefits of having a lunar campus.
It would be in space.
Can you think of something that wasn’t improved because of being in space?
“Star Wars.” Awesome.
A regular trek? Way too much work, with all the walking and to BEH and stuff.
“Star Trek.” Better than a regular trek (but not as good as “Star Wars,” nerds.)
In Star Trek, Scotty will just beam your lazy self up to Moon-BEH or whatever.
Then there’s “Muppets from Space.” This film is perhaps the finest of all Muppets’ media.
Moon-UNLV could strive to be the “Muppets from Space” of the UNLV campuses— the best of the best and the only one fortunate enough to be graced with the presence of Jeffrey Tambor and David Arquette.
Simply being associated with outer space is enough to elevate something to greatness..