Thoughts on cheating

March 23, 2010 by Maddie Edgerton 

From Tiger Woods to Jesse James, infidelity is on everyone’s minds.

Google “thought of cheating,” and you will find more than nine million results, compared to the 600 thousand results on “monogamy in marriage.” Why is cheating on so many minds?

Whether you have had, or currently have, thoughts about cheating or think your spouse might be having an affair, here are a few pointers to help you through this sensitive time.

The thought of your spouse cheating

Unfortunately, at some point in your relationship you might think, “Is my spouse cheating on me?” There are few ways to approach these insecurities in your relationship.

If there is no evidence that your spouse is cheating, withhold from addressing the issue to your spouse. Keeping your thoughts private or not overreacting may prevent an unnecessary argument, but it is not necessarily wrong to keep the thought in the back of your mind that it could happen.

Does your spouse work longer hours than normal or find more opportunities to leave the house? You might have a suspicion that they are having an affair. Finding the right words can be difficult when confronting someone about possible infidelity.

In this situation, never point the finger at your spouse.

Instead, say, “I feel your patterns and behaviors are different toward me.” These behavioral changes can be emotionally and sexually and the way they treat you as a friend and lover.

By addressing the insecure thoughts in this manner, your spouse will not automatically assume that you have accused them of cheating and become defensive. As you confront them, watch their body language and eyes that could indicate deception.

On the other hand, if you have evidence that your spouse is having an affair, address the situation immediately. Personally, I have never been in this situation, but I think my advice could help as I have observed others who have gone through this.

Instead of placing the focus on you, like in the situation above, confront your spouse by saying, “I have evidence that shows you have cheated on me.” Even if your spouse becomes defensive, the truth will ultimately confirm the affair.

The thought of cheating on your spouse

With nine million results on a Google search of, “thoughts about cheating,” obviously this is relevant for some and I hope I can provide some insight for you.

If you have had a thought about cheating on your spouse, it is best to evaluate the consequences of your actions and who it will affect.

Also, reflect on your current life and why you are having thoughts of infidelity.

First, understand why you have the urge to cheat. Could it be because it offers something that is currently lacking in your marriage like a physical or emotional connection?

If you discover this is the problem, confront your partner about how your wants and needs are not being met. Do not say you have the urge to cheat. Instead, communicate about what is lacking in the marriage.

Perhaps the urge only happens in certain environments such as a when you go to your local bar with only your guy/girl friends. If this is the case, avoid these situations that could potentially contribute to your vulnerability to cheat.

You have the choice whether or not to carry out the act, but you (and your spouse) will ultimately pay the price. In the end, you can only have faith that your husband or wife will not have an affair.

Together Forever is a weekly column offering commentary on marriage-based topics and advice for couples.