Rebel Yell staffer wipes floor with others’ headline-writing abilities, solves budget crisis in one fell swoop
Many students have voiced their outrage over the proposed budget cuts — they would leave us without vital university institutions such as the philosophy department. Yet during the debates and demonstrations, a sinister shadow has masked the truth — the recession is not the cause of UNLV’s budget shortfalls. The real story is this: UNLV has been sneakily spending massive amounts of money on inflated, bureaucratic and unnecessary institutions and projects.
One of the worst fiscal vampires is none other than the Cashiering and Student Accounts Office. This is an entire operation dedicated to taking your money. They have an entire paid staff dedicated to shamelessly extracting your hard-earned dollars from your wallet, purse or animal carcass. While many try to over-complicate this issue, it really boils down to a three-step process: 1. You have money. 2. They take your money. 3. You have no money. Is it really necessary to have an entire staff dedicated to this process? Of course not. Taking money is a simple process that only needs one overseer, which is me.
I assure you that I am perfectly qualified to handle this operation. My qualifications have been vouched for in the award-winning newspaper The Rebel Yell, in which I said, “I assure you that I am perfectly qualified to handle this operation.”
Another department that has amassed unprecedented amounts of UNLV’s precious resources is the Registrar’s Office. The very existence of this institution is a symbol of the downward spiral of academia. Several studies by my neighbor, Juan, show that “registering” is one of the most significant problems affecting UNLV students.
Frankly, I disagree with this proven fact. According to me, “registering” is something that has to do with guns or voting. I’m not exactly sure why we have “registering” at UNLV, nor do I care. All I know is that it sounds like something that should not be at a university. Students should be focused on scholarly things like riding unicycles and interpretive dancing, not “registering.” To have an entire department dedicated to this practice is inane, and a waste of your money.
These examples, however, pale in comparison to the ultimate offense to your wallet: the Lied Library. Its sole purpose, containing books, is something that could easily be accomplished by a cardboard box or an enormous bookcase. Yet UNLV decides to devote an entire building to containing books.
This is madness. Madness? This is Sparta!
The icing on the cake is that the Lied Library, which recently became the 3rd largest building in the world, is air-conditioned. How can we possibly afford to air-condition this behemoth book storage facility? To put it simply, we can’t.
Let’s look at the economics of the situation. The Lied Library occupies a 12-mile radius and, on an average summer day, receives enough external heat to melt the polar ice caps and bring about a fundamental shift in the global climate balance.
Someone usually keeps the thermostat at roughly 37 degrees, which is also the temperature inside the average refrigerator.
Therefore, if you take the difference between the internal and external temperatures divided by the circumference of Jupiter, you find that UNLV spends roughly $10 million per second per book per person per year per square foot. According to a random sample of Chinese immigrants, this is approximately 57 percent more than all other universities in the western hemisphere have spent on libraries combined since 1994, when books were first invented.
The bottom line is this: important officials at UNLV have been blowing massive amounts of European capital on things like gigantic glorified bookcases. In order to change this — in order to make a difference — we must unite as a student body into a giant Godzilla-like being in order to vanquish the fiscally-reckless officials with eye lasers. Only then can we rule the galaxy as father and son.