Jerks don’t need to be saved, they need to be treated as their behavior deserves: badly
Let’s talk about douchebags. Not the hygiene device of yore, but rather the current incarnation of the word. I do so love the word. Douchebag is most often assumed now to describe a worthless and despicable man, and for the purpose of this article we will continue with that assumption. Douchebag just has such a guttural tone as it bursts from the mouth. Say it out loud, “Douchebag.” Doesn’t saying it feel good? It’s almost impossible to utter the word without placing an emphasis on “D” and dragging out the “…che…” “Douccchhhebag.” It just makes my mouth tingle.
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Now, I am not nearly talented enough to spend an entire opinion piece talking about the oral pleasures of occasionally dropping the “D” bomb. That’s OK though, I really don’t want to talk about the utterance of the word, but rather those that deserve the title. When discussing the losers and users that most often typify the term douchebag, it would be best to address my comments to females, but I encourage young men out there to heed my warnings about douchebaggery lest they become douchebags themselves. Ladies, be leery of douche-bags, for they will lead you down a path of lost hope.
Before I can continue I feel it is essential to provide you with some perfunctory information in order for you to understand the reference I will be making. You may be expecting me to disclose that I am now, or have been in the past a douchebag myself. I don’t think I have ever been one, but I would refer you to my ex-girlfriends. I am sure they would have a differing opinion. And to be fair, their recollection may be more accurate than mine when it comes to this subject. If there is a history of douchebagginess in my past, I humbly apologize.
The actual information I need you to know before we continue is that I have a somewhat inappropriate and incredibly unrealistic crush on U.S. women’s soccer team goalie Hope Solo. She is a goddess and I worship the ground she floats above. Alright, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. It’s just a crush. I appreciate her for her success, her talent, her drive, her struggle and, let’s be honest, her physical appearance. The reason I have informed you of my crush on Ms. Solo is as a matter of full disclosure. I do not want you to misinterpret the rest of this article as being biased and spiteful simply because of my own mild preoccupation. Understand I am aware of my own idiosyncrasy when it comes to discussing Ms. Solo and I am endeavoring to keep it in check. I truly hope that what I am about to say will positively affect my young readers.
Ms. Solo has recently gotten married, and she has clearly married a douchebag. Her new husband, former NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens, who she started dating just this summer, has a history of arrest for alcohol and drug related problems, assaults, sexual assaults and most recently he was arrested for assaulting Ms. Solo. This assault occurred days before they were married. I think I can escape any danger of slander when I state that most rational people who are familiar with the current derogatory definition of douchebag would agree Mr. Stevens typifies that definition.
I am genuinely worried for Ms. Solo’s health and safety. I honestly wish for her well-being, but I fear her health may be in jeopardy. Alas, Ms. Solo is a successful and educated adult of 31 years of age whom I have no association with, nor should I. Besides, I can only imagine she has been told Mr. Stevens is a douchebag, or some similar apt term, by her friends and family members. I can provide her with no new information. And besides, other than my self-admitted infatuation, I have no real connection to Ms. Solo whatsoever. All I can do is wish her well.
You, however, young ladies and gentlemen of UNLV, I do have a connection with. I have a voice here through our fine student newspaper, The Rebel Yell. I am a teacher and a student at UNLV, and your safety and wellbeing are deep concerns for me. And it is not just your physical safety, but your emotional safety and your intellectual growth that I am concerned about. So it is to you that I address the comments and critiques that Ms. Solo’s marriage has brought to my mind.
Ladies, and gentlemen where applicable, if you are currently engaged, or in a relationship with someone who all your friends and all your family judge to be a douchebag, chances are they’re a douchebag. And in continuation, if just most of your family and friends think that your new Mr. Right is actually “Mr. Have you lost your mind,” it would behoove you to listen closely and adhere to the advice of the majority. Please keep in mind that it is hard to accurately judge someone when you are cursed with “googly-eyes” brought on by New Love Flu. You must learn to see past your douchebag-blinders when your loved ones are pointing out the obvious.
The common assumption of love-blind fools who simply cannot see the truth about the new douchebag in their lives is that only they can see the kind, loving and tenderhearted man hidden away inside. No one else understands him, he really is a good guy, he is sorry for all that bad stuff he did in his past and he is sorry for all the new bad stuff he still continues to do. He loves me, he understands me and I understand him. If you have found yourself thinking any of these thoughts about the new infatuation in your life, and that person meets the criteria of “nobody can stand them,” you need to realize you are involved with a douchebag. Do not fool yourself into believing that you are the only person who truly understands him, you are merely the only person left who he can still fool. You are being thoroughly douched.
Another common condition that prompts the spiral downward into a douchebag dominated disaster, one which I think may have befallen Ms. Solo, is a desire by the foolish to save the douchebag from themselves. Some people have a distinct and uncontrollable desire to rescue douchebags, to be their saviors. These good-hearted people constantly fall for “wounded birds” who need to be nursed back to health with love and affection. This desire strikes both men and women equally. I myself have fallen prey to it once or twice. I am a sucker for a damsel in distress. This desire to help is not a bad trait per se, but sadly, douchebags feed on the tenderhearted like sharks on seals. Here is a quick little rule: If you go to rescue someone, they need to stay rescued. If they continually fall back into peril or they are in constant need of your ministrations, they are not a wounded bird but rather a douchebag in sheeps’ clothing. And you are not the rescuer, you are the victim.
Again, I say this to you out of genuine concern. Not only do I care for your general wellbeing, but I would also like to see douchebaggery brought to an end everywhere. As I mentioned earlier, I am not aware of committing acts of douchebagism in my past. I am, however, well aware of being the nice guy passed over by the women of my dreams for douchebags. Every good guy out there can recount a story of being cast aside by a woman they worshipped for some worthless piece of infectious human waste. These good guys, and good ladies for that matter, are all over and they are constantly losing out to douchebags. Good guys will not screw you over or make your friends turn against you. They are good people who will be there for you when you need them, always.
You see, douchebags only exist because they are successful. As long as good people continue to fall in love with, adore, worship and rescue douchebags, they will survive and thrive. It is up to us, the good people of the world, the non-douchebags, to put an end to this growing plague. And how do we accomplish this monumental task? It’s not easy. In fact, it may be impossible. The first thing we have to do is stop falling for douchebags, the second is to stop dating douchebags and the third is to stop marrying douchebags. And when we fail at all three of those, we need to learn our lesson and not fall for another douchebag after we’ve come to our senses the first time.
Here’s a novel suggestion: That sweet guy who is always there for you and who your friends and family love? Yeah, give him a chance. Nice guys are better in bed anyway because they are there for you. Douchebags only care about themselves, your orgasm be damned. Help me finally put an end to the dreaded scourge of douchebaggery. Date a nice guy — or girl, I’m not picky. Just as long as it isn’t a D-bag. Remember, only you can prevent douchebags.