In Brief: 3-31-14
Free Palestine Guy frees Palestine, unsure of what to do next
A long-time staple of UNLV, Free Palestine Guy has been pursuing his namesake for years, bicycling around and honking his horn, working hard to spread his truth every day. But yesterday, what he spent countless hours tirelessly advocating finally came to be: Palestine became free.
“Yeah, I’m not really sure where to go now,” he said, wearing a plain red sweater with some slightly faded blue jeans and standing in the doorway of his three-bedroom, two-bath home. “I’m a little lost.”
Free Palestine Guy has a beautiful wife and three adoring children, but he doesn’t know if they’re enough.
“It’s more than a little depressing,” he said. “It’s inspired some dark thoughts. Like, did I even want Palestine to be free at all?”
When asked about his old name, he gave a half-hearted smile.
“I guess it’s Freed Palestine Guy, now. Heh.”
Study shows you did, in fact, deserve that A-
A recent study by the Center for Student Accountability came to the startling conclusion that the A- you got a few semesters ago was actually completely deserved.
Though details of the study have yet to be released, sources say that all the evidence points strongly to your slightly less-than-stellar performance being responsible for your slightly less-than-stellar grade, not the fact that your professor “totally has it out for you.”
In a shocking turn, it seems that that your tendency to scribble out papers the night before they were due was the real culprit.
Rebel Yell readership doubles from three to a whopping six readers
We are excited to announce that twice as many people are reading our fine paper this month as compared to last month.
This jump represents the biggest jump in readership since that time we went outside and directly handed out the paper to innocent and oblivious people walking by.
Alexia Shurmur, editor-in-chief of the paper, was the first to realize the tremendous good news after she finished counting all of the copies left in the racks.
“I counted them twice, just to be sure,” Shurmur said as she teared up a little. “I’m so happy and proud right now.”
In February, three copies of the Rebel Yell were picked up by students. For March, that number jumped to a staggering six. For all you math majors out there, that represents a 100 percent jump.
We are proud to serve our readers.
UPDATE: Scratch that
The Rebel Yell is sad to report that the previous news of readership doubling was, in fact, not accurate.
A homeless man was found with four copies of The Rebel Yell. He used them to form a makeshift mattress and blanket.
“It’s not even nice paper,” the man grumbled. “It feels all rough on me.”
The papers had blown out of the rack and into the alley he calls home.
“I would never voluntarily pick up a Rebel Yell,” he said. “No. I just found them.”
Unfortunately, this means our real readership for March was two, which represents a 50 percent decrease from February.